Death By Clive



15 minutes until England kick off against Trinidad and Tobago. Being in Asia right now it is dark, late evening and relaxed. I imagine the boozers in London are packed and the country is in hysterics. Being away from the hype is a good thing. You can watch the match with clarity. I don’t need a copy of a World Cup guide free with every newspaper. I don’t get in depth analysis at half time because I’m watching the game and I know what has happened. I don’t need Ian Wright telling me Becks was "well wicked". Perhaps the very best thing about the coverage over here is the commentary i.e. none. Where did the cult of the commentator come from? Well, the radio obviously. Then TV was born and broadcasting was basic so I guess there still was a need. But now? Why do we need them? What commentary has become is a sideshow to the game. I don’t require polite chit chat during the quiet passages of plays. No need for an ironic stat or matey banter – I can get that down the pub. I require only very basic information, not humour or jokes or the constant and unrelenting barrage of meaningless facts, figures, clichés and banal observations that now accompany every match of any significance. What football coverage has become now is the equivalent of Terry Wogan and the Eurovision song contest.


All that is wrong with football coverage can be summed up in two words. Clive Tyldesley. This man is football TV cancer. A walking idiot machine he is capable of ruining any match with his Daily Mail sensibilities. I hate Clive and his deformed eyes. The man is true horror. Pure evil. He has been designed to ruin football and we stand by and let him. He is determined to shout his insincere rubbish over any major match in the hope that somehow he will become associated it. Clive is the kind of person 20 years ago who thought football was vulgar and working class. Now he is all over it. I hate all Football commentators but baby-faced Clive is by far the worst. My only hope is that the advent of Digital will allow us to turn him off forever and they crash and burn like DLT did at Radio 1 all those years ago. I can’t wait.

2 Responses to “Death By Clive”

  1. Jarod Coomer says:

    To hell with that! Clive is the funniest, most bad-ass commentator I have ever heard, not to mention he fancys the greatest football club to ever play-Manchester United. I consider him right up there with John Motson, Mark Lawrenceson, and Andy Gray. To bash Clive is just inhumane. Disliking is one thing, but dissing is another. We love you Clive and we stand behind you %100! “OH YES! IT’S IN THE BACK OF THE NET!”

    -Jarod Coomer

  2. jingjok says:

    I take it you are a Man U fan then? Only the deaf and the Red Devils think Clive is right up there

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